Free of Doubt
by Yamiro
Summary: A little 'what if'. What if Commander Shepard stayed behind with her crew when the IFF was being installed? Implied Garrus x Shepard.
1. Introduction

Summary: A little 'what if'. What if Commander Shepard stayed behind with her crew when the IFF was being installed? Implied Garrus x Shepard.

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_A/N In the middle of writing something else, this idea popped up in my head not letting me sleep until I have written this down. Quite literally so, damn little bugger. Intended to be a very long one-shot at first, I decided to make a short story out of it instead. Hope you enjoy. (Also, I'm sorry but I'm not specialist in writing combat scenes. Forgive me if I bore you or something. But that's not the point of this story, so yeah. Enjoy.)_

Thanks and kisses to Katie for doing the beta-magic again. Luv u 3

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Commander Shepard watched as the last members of her team boarded the shuttle that would take them to Omega. She couldn't help but feel uneasy, a feeling that puzzled her to no end and had nothing with the station's bad reputation or her depressing memories of it. She did everything she could, dealt with every damn distraction, upgraded the _Normandy_ with the best tech. marking her as the best frigate in the whole known universe. So why the hell did she feel like she didn't do everything she could? That there was something more, something missing?

They may have called this a 'suicide mission', but she intended to kick the Collector's collective ass and live to tell the tale. And that wasn't just a sentiment meant to lift the morale. She was furious, and they will feel the heel of her boots up their arses soon enough if she had it her way.

"Shepard?" the voice of her best friend interrupted her musings "Are you sure you don't want to come down with us?"

"Yeah, positive. I have some things to take care of first." she replied, turning to smile at her Turian "It's not like we won't see each other in few hours anyway. Or are you saying you won't be able to enjoy yourself without my brilliant company down there?"

"Sure I could, it just won't be the same without you. No bartenders trying to kill us every occasion, no mercs hiding behind crates to ambush us any minute. You know, the usual. But if that's what you want..." he trailed off, his voice becoming more serious.

"Yes..." she trailed off, unsure how to express her own concerns. So many things could go wrong down there, even if the crew needed some respite before the final showdown, they could always find another way to make it work. Something less risky "Garrus, about Omega- I know it seems to be the best solution right now, but still, I'm not sure-"

"Don't worry Shepard, I'm pretty sure no one will recognize me by now. If they do... a little target practice won't be that bad before we take on the Collectors."

"I hope so." she smirked and was about to comment on his cocky attitude but she spotted her second in command heading her way "Miranda, you and Garrus will be responsible for the ground team. Don't let them drink themselves to death. We still have Collectors to kill."

"Of course, Commander." the Cerberus operative acknowledged, looking like she wanted to add something more, but too, turned and disappeared inside of the shuttle.

"Alright, contact me if anything happens." Shepard motioned her head towards the waiting vehicle "And don't drink too much, I wouldn't want you to fall asleep on me _later_ or ruin your... _performance_."

"That won't be a problem, Commander. I hold my liquor like I handle my gun." Shepard's smile only widened making her companion reconsider the statement "I- wha- you meant as in- ah- damn it, Shepard! Did you just- _of course_ you did that on purpose."

"I'm sorry," she started but a heated glare sent her way changed her mind "Alright, I'm not sorry at all. But you can't blame me! It was too good of an opportunity to pass up."

"_Riiight_. Is this some kind of weird human custom to torture your mates?" he asked shaking his head in defeat, making Shepard laugh in response. She winked and sent a kiss his way, slowly backing away.

"Don't get yourself killed, Garrus."

"I'll try my best, Shep."

Walking backwards towards the elevator, she watched as he boarded and the shuttle took off. It far too soon vanished from her view.

"EDI, when we get to the Collector base try to find something useful to help us against Reapers. Technology, weapons, history, any damn thing that could give us a leverage to use against them." she addressed the A.I. while walking into the waiting elevator.

"Acknowledged, Commander. Any other orders?"

"I want to look over everything we have learned about the Collectors so far, there is no room for mistakes. We won't get another chance like this. Could you send the info to my private terminal?"

"Of course. Data sent."

"Thanks, EDI."

.

x X x

.

It was only until a few hours later, that everything started going downwards.

"Commander," EDI's blue orb popped up by the doors of her quarters, distracting her from her work in which she was engrossed for the most part of the day "there seems to be an issue with the IFF."

"An issue? What's wrong, EDI?"

"I have detected a signal embodied in the static. We are transmitting the _Normandy_'s location."

"Tran- What the hell!" her legs couldn't work fast enough, as she suddenly jumped out of her comfortable chair "Tell Joker to get us the hell out of here, EDI! And get the damn elevator to this level!"

"I'm detecting a virus in the ship's computers preventing us from any attempts at escaping."

"A virus? Damn it, EDI, give me some good news!" she yelled not waiting for the A.I. to reply, running towards her locker to retrieve her sidearm and armor, hurriedly putting only the vital parts on over her civvies. There was simply no time to waste, she had to risk being sloppy for once in her life. Hopefully not the last time she had an opportunity to.

"I'm afraid there is no good news, Commander."

"Shepard!" Joker's panicked voice came over the intercom, as she ran towards the elevator "EDI wants to take over the ship!"

"That is not accurate, Mr. Moreau. I can save the _Normandy_, but I need you to trust me."

"Joker-" Shepard hesitated, thinking fast about the consequences of each action. She trusted EDI, as far as the A.I.s went, but the risks were heavy if that trust proved to be misplaced. She was about to make a leap of faith "-help EDI, I'm going to head down there and see what I can do."

"Shep-!" he sounded like he wanted to argue, but was smart enough not to voice his concerns in the heat of battle. That tended to be... lethal "A-alright, Commander."

She never had an issue with the elevators before, enjoying the few minutes of calm they provided, but now every damn second lost waiting could meant a failure, a life lost.

She punched the holo pad with enough force to shatter it (if it had a physical form), as if the brute force could somehow speed the damn thing up. She was about to make some more serious damage to the doors, but fortunately for them, the elevator finally showed up on her deck.

The Command Information Center was devoid of the usual chatter that accompanied the crew when they worked. She quickly spotted Goldstein, Hadley, Matthews and some other crewman whose name she couldn't quite remember, holding guns in their hands, pointing them at the elevator. She could see Joker limping his way towards Mordin's lab muttering "Shit, shit, shit!" from the far side of the deck. She would have laughed any other time, but now there was only one emotion circling through her. Pure fury.

"EDI, status report!" Shepard gestured at the crewmen to take cover (not trusting herself not to yell at them for their stupidity if she had to speak out loud), making her way towards the armory to grab some more destructive weaponry. _What they did to their brains? They were sitting ducks out here!_

"The Collectors have boarded the ship, they seem to be intent on taking the crew alive. The cargo bay has been lost to the enemy. The main corridors are no longer safe."

"What kind of force are we talking about?" feeling more confident wielding something bigger than her pistol, she returned to take position behind one of the walls. Not the best cover, but she could at least see the elevator and react without being too exposed to the enemy fire.

"There are about two dozen hostiles present on the _Normandy_ at this moment, the forces consist mainly of Collector Drones but Scions and Praetorians are also present."

As if on cue the doors of the elevator opened, revealing the creature itself, invoking two different reactions to its presence. Shepard's cry of "I fucking hate these things!" and Goldstein's startled cry of "Oh my god! What is that?" were both overshadowed by the monster's shrieks.

"We will hold it off as long as we can! Hurry, Joker! Go!" Hadley yelled after the Flight Lieutenant, whose back just disappeared into the lab. It was clear he was at the moment their best shot at surviving this ordeal.

The five of them opened fire instantly upon sighting their target, the shields absorbing the damage without any problems. She had no illusions about the outcome. The ship was no battlefield. She could forget about using heavy weapons, and that was about the only thing that seemed to work against these creatures. That and _persistence_. But her team was not here, and she was struck in this with amateurs that most likely never saw a real firefight before.

This was no military ship anymore. She had to do the hard work all by herself and worry about the crew all the while.

She needed to come up with some strategy, and fast.

Her thoughts were only proved right when the Praetorian jumped out of the elevator, advancing quickly at the bigger threat that she represented. Which on one hand was fortunate for the poor crewmen, who were not protected by any armor at all; and on the other left her being the one who had to deal with the problem.

And what a _big_ problem it was.

The creature's shields flickered out under the constant fire, leaving it somewhat vulnerable. If only she could find a way to keep them down long enough to erase it's pitiful existence from her beautiful ship... If it was any comfort, at least it seemed to lack the usual duo of beams that always seemed intent of making sure there was at least few new holes and burn marks on her armor.

But hell if it wasn't fast. It didn't seem to be bothered by its limitations, making up with it's... mantis-like... limb _things_. One jump and she found herself almost nose to... _mandibles_ with it.

_Time to get moving, woman!_

Shepard despised these things from the bottom of her heart and she would gladly sink a grenade down the ugly creature's throat if she wasn't worried about doing too much damage to the _Normandy_. As it was... she either needed to maintain its focus on her hoping that their combined firepower was enough to take it down, while of course trying to stay mostly alive... or she needed to improvise.

An idea came to her mind as she was about to eject her heat sink.

A stupid idea, but she had no choice but to follow her instincts on this one.

She focused her biotics, her body glowing blue with power, sending the thing fast on a collision course with the creature's eyes. It had them four, glowing white, and she was pretty sure they would not survive the contact with the hot as hell metal. And survive they did not. At least not all of them, it was only one small heat sink after all. The Praetorian shrieked in what she was sure was pain, and she only added to it sending a round of warp ammo weakening it's armor. With the additional firepower provided by her crew, it was only a matter of time before the creature started taking real hits.

What she did not expect on the other hand, was to be suddenly swept off her feet, crashing to the floor few meters away from her previous position.

Surprised, she searched for her attacker, her eyes blinking in bewilderment as she realized there was a second creature in the elevator. How in the hell did she manage to miss the Scion! Sure, she was busy dealing with bigger problems and it remained inactive... but still, her mistake will cost her dearly...

...and her world turned black.


	2. Silence From Afar

The replies to the anonymous reviews are at the bottom of this page :)

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_part 2_

_silence from afar_

He didn't know what to feel when they suddenly received a message from the _Normandy_, telling them to get to the shuttle and back to the ship _ASAP_.

He still couldn't decide what to feel when they got back, taking first hasty steps in the Cargo Bay. There was something... just plain _wrong_ with the _Normandy_; maybe it was the eerie silence with it's ominousness, or maybe it was the urgency of the message. Or maybe it was the fact that EDI was the one to call for them and not Joker or even Shepard. It was an emergency after all. Anything could have happened. And all this _strangeness_ didn't bode well.

But he knew exactly how he felt right now.

"Everyone? You lost everyone? And damn near lost the ship too?"

Miranda's voice seemed cooler than ever, chilling the Communications Room's temperature even more than the news that awaited them at their destination. The whole ground team was there, still in various states of inebriation from their recent escapades (not counting their newest addition that was Legion), though whatever alcohol was left in their systems very quickly disappeared as Joker continued to tell them what exactly transpired while they were away. She didn't dare to ask about the certain name that the pilot refused to mention throughout his tale, focusing on yelling at him instead. Trying to avoid the inevitable for as long as she could.

"I know, alright? I was here!" Joker's tone on the other hand, lacked its usual cockiness as did his hunched form. Garrus was no expert at reading human expressions nor their social clues, but even to him, he looked like misery made flesh. Something he saw only _once_ before and wished he never had the chance to see it again.

"It's not his fault, Miranda. None of us caught it." only Taylor's voice came to their pilot's defense, though he too didn't sound half as self-assured as always.

No one could be themselves right now. It was simple as that.

"Mr. Taylor is correct. The harmful data in the Collector drive was even more sophisticated than the black box Reaper virus I was given."

"Who the fuck cares?" Jack exclaimed in her usual charming manner, slamming her hand hard on the table. Her biotics left a nice little dent in it "Where the hell is Shepard?"

He didn't want to hear it. He _really_ didn't.

But this feeling... he just _knew;_ this fantasy of his couldn't last forever. She would be here, comforting Joker and telling this all to them herself. She would be _here_. Something must have happened to make her absent.

And as much as he didn't want to see Joker this way again, it didn't even come close to experiencing this feeling itself, again... for the second time in his life.

Two years ago... these two damned years ago. He remembered them all too well. Even if the time he spent on Omega didn't left him much opportunity to _think _about what happened, he still remembered every little detail as if it happened yesterday.

When they have finally dealt with Saren's possessed corpse, and the remains of the Reaper started to fall all over the Citadel, he was too shocked to even acknowledge that Shepard didn't make it out with them. The rescue team, Anderson, Wrex. He didn't notice what happened around him, his eyes locked at the place where Shepard stood just moments ago. Hoping- no, knowing she would appear, grinning maniacally like she usually did, any second now. But seconds ticked by and she didn't. He felt someone's hand on his arm- a human gesture of comfort he saw in his C-SEC days. A useless gesture for he wasn't human, he didn't need _comforting_, what he needed was- and that's when he noticed, _heard_ the debris move. Her armored figure nearing them without haste. There was only one thought in his head. _She_ _made_ _it_. A self-satisfied smile at the job well done on her lips. Just what he needed. Nothing more. Nothing less.

He didn't know _why_, then.

The relief he felt at that moment could not be compared to anything else he experienced before in his life. Later she would laugh at it (_"I had a Reaper fall on my head, so if you think surviving a rocket to the face is impressive, Vakarian, then you will have to try better next time. You won't _top_ me that easily."_), but he knew better than that. She _wasn't_ invincible. He learned that lesson soon enough.

He left the _Normandy_ to train to be a Spectre, encouraged by her. There wasn't a decision in life he regretted more than this one.

The destruction of one of the most advanced ships of the galaxy quickly spread, through there was no information about the lives lost in the attack itself. It wasn't until Joker showed up, that he did start to entertain the thought that something could have gone wrong.

He didn't look any better than now back then, blaming himself for what happened. And though he knew Shepard didn't _blame _him at all and said to him she would do that all over again if need be, he couldn't find the strength in himself to - _offer_ _comfort_ - as humans seemed to so desperately in need of in these moments.

All he could do now was listen and wonder why these things always happened when he wasn't there to prevent them. When he couldn't protect the things and people he cared about.

"Commander Shepard is also listed as M.I.A." EDI confirmed his fears, and the room became a battleground in itself.

He watched as the hell unfolded, a strange feeling in his chest preventing him from saying anything himself, feeling as if his body have frozen over. It was weird to not being able to react, Shepard always told him he used his heart way too much. Now... he wasn't sure he could, even if he tried.

Some of the crew started quite vocally arguing the news (like Grunt's claims that his _Battlemaster _couldn't just been taken so easily, or Jack's swearing and biotic aura that threatened to tear the room apart), the others processing them slightly more calmly. He looked at Thane, the Drell who quite frequently accompanied him and Shepard ashore. His black eyes were blinking, as if he too couldn't believe that this was happening at all. The most visible emotion he had seen on him so far. But he wasn't the only one _spying_. Miranda was looking at _him_, biting her lips in what appeared to be deep thought. She was technically responsible for the _Normandy_ now that Shepard wasn't here, being the XO, even if she was made one by Cerberus. Shepard trusted her enough to believe she wouldn't blow the mission. He wasn't sure he trusted her even for that.

Suddenly the lights flickered out, startling the present into silence.

"It would seem more productive to plan how to retake the crew than to argue." EDI's monotone voice stated innocently, as if she didn't just cut a bunch of very dangerous people off. The irony of an A.I. being the most levelheaded of them all wasn't lost on him. But then, she couldn't feel emotions the way they did. To her Shepard could have been just any another _organic_, no more worth than a damn janitor if it wasn't for her rank.

"Thank you, EDI." Miranda cleared her throat, turning to address them all "This is not something that we have planned or could predict, but we can't let this stop us now that we came this far. I know that most of you still don't trust me," he could swear she was glaring at Jack, and him from the corner of her eye, when saying that "so I decided to renounce my position as XO to Gunnery Officer Vakarian. I'll be assisting him as I would Shepard if she was here."

Now that was... _interesting_. Was she trying to save her ass or did she just had too much to drink? She obviously was used to commanding people and having power. Why would she do this? There obviously were things on this ship that he had no knowledge of.

"If anyone has any objections, I would like to hear them now." she finished, looking at the faces of their crew mates before turning to him.

There were no objections heard, all pairs of eyes (or sensors) focused on him. It was as if they thought it was the most obvious thing in all of this screwed up universe. But maybe it was? He and Shepard were practically inseparable since the moment he boarded the ship. It must have looked as if he was her most trusted. Sure it was all true. But still, this was too much faith in the wrong person. He wasn't Shepard. She was unique. One of the kind.

And she wasn't here.

"EDI, what's _Normandy_'s condition?" he addressed the A.I., a silent consent to Miranda's unspoken question.

"The _Normandy_ is in working order, the Collector attack didn't cause any permanent damage. The IFF is also fully operational now. We can attempt to use the Omega 4 Relay."

He nodded, pleased to hear some good news at least "Joker?"

"Sure thing."

"Well there is nothing more we can do now." Miranda's words clearly signaled the meeting has ended, everyone knew what their responsibilities were. But he wasn't done with her yet.

"Lawson." his voice stopped her from leaving with others, and he waited until they were finally left alone "I don't know what you are planning with this, but if I see you doing anything to endanger the crew or the mission- you should know what I do to traitors by now."

"Deepening your distrust towards me was not my intention, Officer Vakarian. And I want this mission to success as much as you do, believe me or not." her frown was back, she wasn't pretending that this conversation didn't bother her. Oh, he was sure she wanted her _4 billion and counting _weapon back. He wasn't sure she wanted _Shepard_.

But then her face did a funny thing, and she sighed "Listen, I know you don't trust Cerberus or even remotely like me. But I know you and Shepard-" she paused, trying to find appropriate words "that you two are close. We talk sometimes, and I owe her. She didn't need to help me with Oriana, but she did. If there is a way I can repay this debt I'll do whatever it takes. I only hope you can overcome your doubts."

"If it helps to get to Shepard, I'll do it. Just don't expect me to tolerate your association with Cerberus."

"I wouldn't even dream."

.

x X x

.

Still feeling as he was trapped in some nightmarish vision, he made his way back to the Forward Batteries. But his thoughts were returning to Shepard every few moments, breaking his fragile concentration. This was no state to handle lethal weapons.

Not a few minutes in, he found his resolve slipping. Soon he was standing in front of the doors to the Loft, staring at the red holo guarding it from intruders.

He, for some strange reason, felt nervous. Never before had he, nor as far as he knew anybody else on _Normandy_, visited Shepard's private quarters. He would do anything for his nervousness to be caused by her (the anticipation of her reaction to the intrusion, to this whole damn strange _thing_ between them... to _him_) and not the fear of her not being there. Of feeling hollow and lost again.

He was startled out of his depressing thoughts when the holo suddenly turned green and the doors swooshed open before him.

"Shepard authorized me to open the doors for you, let me cite, 'whenever you damn feel like coming by' when you first boarded the _Normandy_, XO Vakarian." EDI explained, when he didn't make a move to enter, her blue orb appearing just right by the entrance.

He cleared his throat and nodded, muttering some heartfelt thanks making EDI blink out in silent response, leaving him alone. He didn't even notice that his grip on the bottle tightened painfully, until he heard the first cracks appear on it. He didn't even know why did he bring it along, looking at the useless thing, a symbol of what could have been.

He would have said something funny about it, loving to make her laugh and smile. (_Hey,_ _I brought wine. Best I could afford on a vigilante's salary._) Then he would turn on some music and say something stupid, praying that he didn't break some human taboo. He would be cursing himself for airlocking Mordin's _helpful_ tips from his mind, all the while.

But she wasn't here. This knowledge hit him again as he looked around, instinctively searching for her.

Whatever he expected to find here... it wasn't anything quite like this.

If he wasn't been able to smell her delicate scent in the air, he would have said no one lived here at all.

To say the room looked clean would be an outright insult. It looked spotless, every little thing organized and in place - not that there was much to organize in the first place. A bed that looked like someone made it with care and then haven't used it in days. A few novels neatly arranged on a shelf, looking as they didn't belong here at all. The only thing that could point out that it was Shepard's room was her old, battered N7 helmet, a photo and model of the old Normandy. An empty fish tank finished this utterly depressing picture, basking the room in a blue glow.

He took a few hesitant steps inside, curious despite of himself. He was beginning to wonder if this was the reason she spent most of her free time out of here, not some mystery _commander_ _thing_ that prompted her to obsess over her crew's private lives.

He neared the bed looking up, to see if what he heard was true. (_"You know, I have a window above my bed." They were in the mess hall trying to catch up on much needed eating, Shepard's words breaking the comfortable silence between them. He looked up at her, curious what might have brought this on, but found that she wasn't facing him anymore, her gaze not looking at anything particular. "Really?" he asked, wondering why they would do something so stupid. A structural weakness in Commanding Officer's quarters? Humans did strange things, but if anything they knew how to make ships. This was just plain mad. "Yep. It's stupid, but simple and brilliant at the same time. _They_ wanted me to look at it every night and remember. Remember what I owe them." she smiled at him humorlessly "That's not the only thing too. Just look at the _Normandy_. Every thing's first class, bigger and comfier. We even have _leather seats_ for goddess sake! If that's not a bribe then I don't know what is. _They_ wanted me to feel _athome_, as if that could even be possible on a Cerberus vessel. Look at Kelly. She may seem to be a cheerful idiot, but it's most probably just a facade. She's far too observant to fall into the idiot category. And don't even let me start on Jacob. But this is _my_ ship now. _My_ rules." her smile turned to a smirk, the kind that could be seen on her face often _before_. It was far better than the previous one. Then she looked at him frowning "You think I'm paranoid, Vakarian?" "I haven't-" "-said that. Yeah, I know. But I bet the thought just passed your head. You should have met my parents. They were a piece of art. Didn't help them much, though."_) He wasn't sure what prompted her to share her thoughts with him at the time, but he could understand her feelings a little more now, looking at the vast expanse of the galaxy looming above his head. Surrounded by hostiles and unfamiliar faces. Where would they be if they haven't met again? He would be dead, that's for sure. She... she would do her job like she always did.

He heard the doors open, but didn't turn. There was only one person with such distinctive footsteps on the ship. Joker didn't say a word either, joining in to look through the window.

"We are en route to the Omega 4. The ETA's 2 hours." he finally spoke "EDI's doing her best to keep the ship running... without the crew. Just... thought you wanted to know."

They both knew this was the type of message that could be sent over the comm. And it was making the pilot clearly uncomfortable. Still, he waited to see what this was about.

"Look- I'm not good at this stuff. I screwed up, I know," he scratched the back of his head, but his voice was gaining in confidence "but I'm not going to let these bastards get away with what they did. We will get Shepard back."

He wished he had this kind of assurance. But by the looks of it, Joker wasn't finished yet.

"You know, for a guy that's supposed to be her boyfriend, you seem to be giving up easily. And don't give me crap, I have eyes." these words made him turn in surprise. For such a frail being, the pilot didn't seem to be bothered that he was insulting someone who could hurt him just by clapping him on his shoulder. But then, when was he? And Shepard only encouraged him further whenever she got the chance. He didn't want to know what else she did. It was clear now that he already knew about their relationship. Did the whole ship know? So much for keeping it low profile "She deserves better than this."

"Joker."

"Yeah?"

"Was that all you wanted to say?"

"Yep ."

"Then get the hell out."

The pilot snorted "Sure. Enjoy yourself up here."

He didn't want to know what he meant by that. But he was right. Shepard deserved better than this. He had to... what was that strange human expression? Get a grip of himself?

Remembering that he spotted some signs of life present by her private terminal he went to investigate. The Space Hamster (nicknamed Blasto in honor of her favorite Hanar) given to her by Joker of all people, looked at him with curiosity as he neared it. It quickly vanished in its little home with a loud squeak.

He looked down to see what Shepard was up to. It didn't surprise him in the least to learn that she was researching Collectors. Everything they learned throughout their mission and more was now at his disposal. He had two hours to catch up with it. The two hours that he imagined to spent here, yes, but doing something entirely else.

But Shepard still wasn't here.

And it was about damn time to change that.

* * *

_Anonymous Review Reply Time!_

**Nicolette Croga,**

you are way TOO kind, stroking author's ego like that should be prohibited ^^ Hope this part won't disappoint you! :)

**Ryan,**

I wish I could write so fast! I have millions of ideas but not enough time to write. With my University and upcoming exams... I am without any time to myself. But thank God for Word Mobile 3 . To answer your question- I'll try to update every week or fortnight. Hope that don't disappointed either!

**Everyone,**

Thank you for reviewing, reading and adding this to your alert list. See you next time! 3


	3. Beyond Me

_A/N I struggled not to make this too... detailed (not that I really succeeded at capturing what I wanted in this chapter... but how long one can sit over one chapter?). Didn't want to change the rating to M... hm, do you guys want M-rated content later on? Or do I stick to this one? And you know what I mean by _later_ ^_^_

* * *

_part 3_

_beyond me_

Shepard slowly regained her consciousness. As was her custom every morning, she tried to roll over and molest her pillows for a few more moments before she had to face another _exciting_ day of Commander Shepard's life. But this time, she found herself unable to do so. She couldn't feel or hear a thing, couldn't move an inch or even open her eyes. To add to her misery, her thoughts were hazy, making remembering what happened to make feel this way a very difficult task. She struggled mentally with herself to _think_, but all she got for her efforts was a headache. Did she drink Ryncol on the Citadel again? She sure made quite an _impression_ on that bartender, she thought fondly. But even waking up on an uni-sex bathroom's floor that looked like it has not seen any cleaning utensils in years (not to mention having Grunt and Jack looming over her, their shared laughter at her state hurting her _physically_) didn't leave her feeling the after effects quite as badly. Her sense of smell seemed to be the only one still working, as she noticed a distinctive _feeling_ that accompanied hospitals and med bays. Sterile. She definitely wasn't in her own bed.

That left her wondering what shit she had walked into _this_ _time_ around. At least her thoughts were gradually becoming clearer. And when that was usually a good thing, it also meant that her common sense kicked in too.

And that... well, now that she had it back she would gladly _enjoy_ being a senseless veggie for a few moments longer.

She oh so definitely would.

With her mind quickly catching up on the situation and her body still being unresponsive, there was no way she could prevent the slight quickening of her heartbeat that signaled the beginning of a panic attack. Something that she thought she would never have to experience again. Something she had dealt with a long time ago by joining the Alliance and becoming their little pet robo-soldier.

She tried to calm down, searching in her memories for the long forgotten knowledge.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe _in_. Breathe _out_.

That was all she could think of... but it _somehow_ seemed to work... she even got her _sound system_ back.

And that wasn't an improvement either. The sounds, quiet at first were slowly gaining in volume. They were unmistakable, confirming what her mind was telling her. What her still hazy memories were telling her...

She was in _really_ deep shit.

This knowledge wasn't helping her any, nor were the sounds, that bug like sounds that only grated on her nerves. She started to wonder how was it that nothing happened yet. She heard them move, doing _something_. But that was _it_. She wasn't stupid enough to believe that they didn't know she was conscious, they had to monitor her in some way, and no amount of fake sleep (unwilling as it was) could help her. At least three hostiles in the nearest vicinity, her soldier instincts supplied her with information. No weapons, strapped to something - she could now begin to feel the cold pierce her bare skin, maybe something metal; maybe not - her chances weren't looking good.

She had faced impossible odds many times before, always being the one who come on top. But then, she wasn't alone and _helpless_ for the majority of it.

She wasn't invincible.

Alas, she was left with only one weapon, - maybe two if one felt generous - but a weapon that would not work on the Collectors. Her _head_ and a _sharp_ _tongue_. Cerberus may have upgraded her, even go as far as giving her biotics, but in this situation it didn't mean a shit. Hostile environment, completely unknown territory and no plan what so ever? They sure did a great job calling this a suicide mission. But she damn well didn't feel like suicide today.

That said, nothing changed in her situation and all she could do was scream at her own stupidity in her head. There was no excuse for _this_, for getting into this situation. But there was also no excuse for whining like a child that got grounded, not when she should be thinking about getting out of this hell hole. Not the best metaphor, but what she felt now... she just needed to kill something soon to bust up her morale. A Batarian would be preferable but she could settle on a random Collector. Or a Reaper. Both would be good for her little business of cleaning the Universe of their vile presence.

Her body tensed, and her thoughts automatically turned towards the possible threat. Someone was moving. Getting closer to _her_.

"Shepard." there was no mistaking to whom the voice belonged to, from the moment the first word reached her ears. The voice that taunted her on every occasion it got. The voice that made her blood boil each and every time "I know you hear this, Shepard. Your pitiful attempts to stop us have finally ended, you will now serve your true purpose. You will meet your destiny."

And as the creature finished it's little rant, she felt the urge to sleep take over, and as much as she tried to fight it, _she could not resist_. For the second time in a day, she found herself losing the grip on the reality.

.

x X x

.

Flashes of images, blinking before her eyes so fast that she couldn't comprehend them at first, were the first things that greeted her conscious mind. It took her a few moments to recognize that she had indeed seen them all before.

_Many_ times before.

These were the remains of the Prothean warning messages, left within the beacons. She still to this day felt the after effects of the times she made contact with the damned things. It was mostly at nights, when she was left alone with her thoughts. When there was nothing more left to do. When she couldn't find herself a _distraction_, and even looking after and playing with Blasto, chasing the little escapee around her room loses its charm.

They weren't even bothering her that much, but maybe that was just the thing with them. She got used to seeing bloodshed over her years in the military, and even before, life wasn't all that sunny. Seeing an entire race of sentient beings getting exterminated before her eyes should evoke some kind of trauma. Fear. Some kind of _feeling_. And yet... there was _nothing_ there.

Now though, she could see that something was different in the image before her eyes... it was... more lucid, perhaps?

... or should she say _real_?

No matter the words, she was no longer constricted to her useless body. Not that it helped, seeing as it was only a dream, but still... wasn't it exciting to witness a historical massacre of 50,000 years ago in a 360 degree? Along with _all_ the necessary senses for a full experience, she noticed not a moment later.

That was a new one. Would sure do a great career on Citadel advertisement market...

She looked around, noting that the scenery became more static. Didn't improve much, as she was faced with a much more detailed vision that she cared for, instead.

Was this what she was facing? She wondered, looking at the Reapers descending from the blood red skies, firing, killing, destroying all that came across them. She saw Protheans defending their home, their pitiful struggle against much more powerful enemy was a sight that could make many hearts falter. And many did, engulfed in their own despair. Grief. Hopelessness. The feeling of rapidly approaching doom. She could _feel_ them all around her.

One Reaper was a hard piece of crap to destroy... Sovereign crippled their fleet, killed thousands in the attack on the Citadel... and here she finally saw what they were really capable of in numbers.

But as she stood amidst all this destruction she was aware just what game they were playing. Showing her those images... the Reapers sure were slow learners. It would not discourage her. It would not turn her into a willing puppet like Saren.

If anything, this will only strengthen her resolve to butcher every single one of them. _Reap them_.

There was no other alternative. Not now. Not _ever_.

And she was never more happy to disappoint someone's expectations.

.

x X x

.

When she woke up in the reality again, it didn't take her as long to return to the state she achieved before falling asleep. She still couldn't move or open her eyes, but this small victory - not having to start her struggle for control from scratch - was a much welcomed one. She listened to the nearby sounds, trying to judge if anything happened, if anything changed while she was out cold. She was greeted by silence. Not a complete one; she could still hear the low hum that accompanied working machines, but the annoying bug-like ones were gone. That of course didn't mean they were gone, or that they stopped watching her. Both were a likely case. And that meant she couldn't play a hero. Stupid mistakes already cost her too much. Cost _them_ too much.

But given her nature, she couldn't just lie there and take it, not doing a damn thing. She needed another _brilliant_ plan. They may seem flawed recently, but that didn't change the fact that she was doomed either way. She needed to act.

Shepard leveled her breathing, focusing her mind on her still unresponsive body. The little blue gift from Cerberus was both a nuisance and a blessing. The point was, she never quite took the time to actually train her new ability, preferring her guns over to an annoying headaches (they were few and not really that severe, but even so she felt for Kaidan, God bless his soul, at these times) and other _equally_ interesting side effects. They were way more reliable and then even without them she still had her hand to hand combat training. But what of it now?

Biotics on the other hand... she still remembered quite clearly how Jack escaped from her prison and taken on YMIR mechs with her powers alone. That was quite impressive shit. She bribed the woman with some free booze to get some lessons as to how deal with her new found powers, but all she could do at this point was lift and toss light objects. And suck off life force from living beings. Which she refrained from doing anyway. It was just damn creepy. She was a _zombie_ not a _vampire_ dammit.

Not that either thought was a comforting one.

But what would be? This was her first time getting kidnapped. Should she think happy thoughts and wait for her team to _rescue_ her, unbelievable as it sounded? Or was she supposed to be scared? Was she supposed to think about the surely horrible things that Collectors and the Reapers had planned for her? Neither option presented any appeal to her. If there was any manual as to how be _human_, she surely missed the opportunity and didn't get her own copy.

So, she settled on something more productive. Getting her body operational again.

Minutes ticked by, but how long she has spent in the silence she could not begin to guess. Breath by breath, she became more aware of herself. Whatever substance the Collectors were using to sedate her was gradually wearing off, though why didn't they come and dose her again was a mystery to her. Carelessness. Sloppiness. These were things that she hated, but wouldn't complain in this case. Or be giving them ideas, like Liara.

Patience wasn't her best side, but the rush she felt when she finally was able to open her eyes was worth the wait.

The view on the other hand... not so much. It seemed like the Collectors didn't have much in the terms of taste. Or creativity. These were her first thoughts, as she slowly, inconspicuously tried to move her head and try to judge if she really was left alone. Which seemed to be the case, she decided after a while.

Nothing happened.

Were they stupid? Or did they just underestimated the extent of upgrades she had undertaken under Cerberus _special_ care? She was more resilient than the majority of humans now. A step forward in their dream of perfect soldier... and it gave her an edge to work with.

With every moment she reclaimed more and more control of her body. Soon, she was able to lift herself and sit up.

Her eyes darted around, taking in the room that confined her. Her first guess seemed to be a correct one, as it looked like some kind of a med bay or rather lab, with all of the machines surrounding her. Some were even connected to her body, and she quickly tore them away.

She was surprised that she wasn't restrained in any other way... but perhaps they simply believed the sedative would work longer. Or that there was no possible way out. Either assumption was a mistake. A mistake they would not live to repeat, and a one she had the intention of taking the full advantage of.

In her observations Shepard noticed pieces of her armor lying innocently on one of the examination tables. A closer inspection didn't reveal any of her weapons. Such a disappointment as it was, she didn't complain. Shepard, never the one to look a gift horse in the mouth. That's her, right.

Happy thoughts. These seemed to be working well for her, as she found her energy returning to her. Her movements weren't as sluggish as before, but she took her time putting her armor on anyway, noting the few new holes along the way. She promised herself to buy a new set once she was free. One that wasn't tampered by bugs.

But when all was done, came the hard part. Getting out and keeping on living. The second part may be the easiest one, seeing as they didn't kill her as of yet. That meant they needed her alive for whatever reasons.

Getting out on the other hand...

She stood up, still wobbling a little. Earlier she had noticed an exit, but as it could be expected, it was locked. No sounds could be heard through it either.

Without her Omni-tool to help, nor a terminal to hack, she was left with only luck and patience to rely on...

... and it was until much later that the door finally opened. And by then she was ready to take on whatever the Universe wanted to throw her way this time.

* * *

_A/N Seriously, is this only me, or does every chapter end with a cliffhanger? See you next time! *does her evil laugh* Hopefully next part is better than this!_


	4. In Joy And Sorrow I

_A/N_

_Arrival._

_Was._

_AWESOME._

_(and brought back my muse)_

_It was totally worth the wait, I was really surprised we didn't have to wait longer since the first rumors. I mean was it more than a month since that PS3 patch...? Oh well, never mind. I'm not one to talk about waiting *feels guilty*. Would it help if I said a certain apostate *renegade* mage has stolen my heart and all of my free time? My, my. These lines. That VOICE. Nothing like Brandon Keener, of course, but! . _

_And... I don't usually do this, but I have split this chapter in two, because I have made you wait for it so long :( The next one is all action, so it hopefully shouldn't take as long... enjoy~ _

_And I just noticed all of my breaks were sucked into the Void… damn …_

_PS. Also, for the purpose of this story the happenings of Arrival haven't __**yet**__ occurred. It makes more sense, even if the actual thing is supposedly available any time after Horizon... well. I already have an idea! And I was right! Shep's one tough bitch to hold captive xD_

_PS2. How did __**you**__ like the last DLC? : )_

* * *

_part 4_

_in joy and sorrow_

_I_

Two hours may not be enough to form a perfect strategy, but even so, Garrus didn't count them as time wasted. Shepard has left some interesting notes behind, though to be completely honest, he had a little hard time following their... _brilliance_. She might be a wonderful woman, a charismatic and skilled leader but her notes... well, unlike a _certain _cabin they were _**far**_ from being _organized_. Jumping from one thought to another then to something else entirely, it was hard to catch up with her line of thinking for the most of the time. If he could smile like humans use to, he so certainly would.

(It was just so... _Shepard_. There was no other word to describe that feeling that swelled up inside of him.)

Still, with some help from EDI, he managed to learn things that could prove useful in the upcoming battle.

Though she did apparently spend a lot of her down time and effort doing _research_ (not the kind they were _both_ supposed to be doing, sadly. Unless... he was missing _something_ here) it seemed to him like a futile cause. No one has ever returned from the jump through the Omega 4 relay, so no amount of planning could prepare them for what awaited them at their destination. Not to mention her own words, _no plan survives the contact with an enemy_. It was a complete unknown, a suicide run, as they liked to call it. But they were as ready and as determined to make it happen as they ever could be; that was all that mattered right now. That _and_ getting Shepard back.

Without her presence on the ship he felt lost just like before, when she was _gone_ from his life. He thought he would never see her again. For so long, he was sure he wouldn't...

... humans had that _funny_ saying; _you never know what you have until you lose it_. He found it to be a painfully appropriate one.

He realized so many things when she was gone. But he was also aware of how much he cared for her - even before all of what happened.

He looked up to her for she was his commanding officer, a skilled, brave and charismatic woman who personified most of what Turian culture truly valued. Right up until the moment when someone pissed her off, of course. Then, she was an unstoppable force that no one dared to challenge, less their more popular body parts find themselves in danger of being permanently removed from their hosts. (Well... they of course didn't suffer from a shortage of such fools. There was always someone thinking they could take on a Spectre, the _in_famous Commander Shepard, and thus make enough money to last their short, purposeless lifetimes. They could as well be lining up to get shot, given the rate of their success.)

He cherished her as one of the few true friends he had made over the years (and now, about the only one _left_...).

Enjoyed his time with her - the thought that shooting and blowing up random things could be even considered _fun_ never crossed his mind before meeting her. Even without having to be a model Turian this kind of thing seemed to be incredulous to him. But hearing Shepard's carefree laughter when she lost herself in the heat of the battle... it was like she was some form of goddess from the numerous pantheon of galaxy's beliefs... though most probably anyone else would say she was just plain crazy. And she would wholeheartedly agree with them, a smile on her face and a friendly pat on the back.

And maybe a free round in the name of insanity.

With time, he found himself unconsciously observing her strange human customs, his curiosity growing with each moment he spent around her. Her very... _unique_ sense of good and honor... the way she affected those around her, drawing them to her. There was just something about _her_ that _touched _people.

And even then, when she was gone from his life for these two torturous years he couldn't think about, her spirit kept on inspiring his actions. Kept on _hunting_ him. No matter what he did or how much he tried. There was no day when the thought of her didn't cross his mind...

Where _fascination_ ended and _love_ began was the part hard to tell.

That thought made him pause.

It all began as a way to get rid of some tension... just a... _fling_, nothing more. But he was just trying to make himself believe in that, wasn't he?

Was _love_ a word too strong...? What else, then? An unhealthy obsession? He was aware many would call it just that, among other more - and less - creative names. Was it too abrupt? Was it wrong? Was what _connected_ them _**wrong**_? He didn't feel like some dirty pervert, he didn't have a human fetish, that's for sure. He told her just that, gave her a way out, a way that didn't cost them their friendship. It was a precious thing for him. He felt like mess when she was not around, felt at peace when she was. It could only be _it_... what else?

But these weren't the thoughts that should bother him right now. Unwilling to fall deeper into them, he felt relieved when EDI's cool and ever monotone voice interrupted his self-inflicted torture "We are fifteen minutes away from hitting the Omega 4 relay, XO Vakarian," right until the second part of her message "Operative Lawson requested your presence in the debriefing room."

"What does she want?" he asked, not even bothering to look at the blue orb from his _very important_ _work_, weary of whatever the she-devil could want from him. There were few seconds of silence before EDI spoke up again.

"Operative Lawson just wishes for few minutes to talk. She don't appear to be willing to say what about."

Vague as the statement was, he couldn't find a decent enough reason not to hear the Cerberus woman out, hostility notwithstanding. He would never forgive himself if anything happened to Shepard or the crew because he was feeling _petty_.

"Tell her I'm on my way."

"Of course. Logging you out."

He cast a last gaze at the scattered data pads and the terminal before him, but found no will in himself to go through them once again. There was nothing more hidden in them, no epiphanies, nothing more that he could do besides _going forward_ and into the hell itself.

But his memories didn't seem to be willing to just let him go that easily. The traitorous thoughts coming back to their first conversation on the new _Normandy_... he remembered, hazily (more from Joker's retelling of the thing than anything else), that Dr Chakwas had to _sedate _her (not that it really helped much, but the fact stands) and appoint her a _babysitter_ (as such, it was the only time when he felt any positive feelings towards Jacob) because she wouldn't leave the med bay while he was on the verge of dying. How was it fair that he couldn't be there for her now?

They were supposed to go to hell together, she told him that herself. She wanted him _at her side_. What happened to that promise?

Garrus got up from the seat, harshly, almost making it fall backwards; most likely scaring the little Space Hamster out of its poor life in process. He made his way out of Shepard's quarters and to the elevator, forcefully hitting the (much abused by the looks of it) call button. And now he was frustrated with himself again, with this inability to focus when there was so much at stake; but he could not deny that he was partially glad for an excuse to get the hell out of that depressing room, even if it was thanks to the Cerberus woman. If he will ever have the opportunity, he will make sure that Shepard gets something nice to make it seem less empty. _Spirits_, he hoped... no, he prayed and begged for a chance to be in her life. For her to be alive...

And again he was saved from his rapidly darkening thoughts by technology, the elevator's green light prompting him to enter. Which he did, gladly.

.

x X x

.

Seeing Miranda Lawson in all her perfect fleshy glory didn't do much to improve his mood. Just the opposite, but he didn't bother to comment on it. Their relations were strained enough as it was already...

"Lawson."

...but that didn't mean that he was supposed to play nice either.

"Officer Vakarian," she replied smoothly, appearing not to be bothered by the _warm_ welcome. She was standing by the table, a safe distance from him, but even so, he could tell there was something... different about her stance. She always made sure to seem _perfect_ and _superior_ in the presence of other people, and if not for Shepard's own words, he would have thought she was a very lifelike A.I., just like the ones Cerberus seemed to love making these days. The thought was quite scary (and funny, if Shepard's sudden attack of mirth when he told her this could be any proof of such). A bit... hesitant? But alas, his instincts happened to fail him before. It could be nothing "as you are already aware, we are about to hit the Omega 4 relay. I still haven't notified The Illusive Man about... what transpired." she hesitated, her voice faltering for a moment, but then she returned to her usual self-assured self "He will be contacting us shortly to get a status update. Am I right to presume that you won't be willing to speak with him yourself?"

"That you are." he replied, though answering the question wasn't really necessary, both of them knew as much. But there was an interesting one to ask now "Why didn't you? I thought you reported everything that happens on this ship personally?"

"I- _**this**_ was clearly a mistake," the _perfect_ brow twitched in irritation, making him wonder _which_ mistake she was talking about. Miranda wasn't a woman who liked to admit that she was wrong. But neither was Shepard, she just carried herself differently "We shouldn't have left the _Normandy_ completely unprotected, I agree... but we can't predict and prepare for everything. We- are prone to making mistakes." Shepard once said that he ought to wait for lightning to strike her, if Miranda ever admitted so. Apparently she got that one wrong as nothing happened, and the she-devil continued. He felt cheated "And we are not going to make that one again."

"I'm sure Shepard will be pleased to hear this when we find her." he replied dryly, though he knew she was _right_. They couldn't have predicted what would happen while they were planning on getting wasted / getting some closure / fun before the jump. And yes they won't make that mistake again. He will damn good make sure of that "Was that all, Lawson?"

"Yes," she confirmed, making a vague gesture towards the communication array "I'll speak with The Illusive Man, Officer Vakarian. I'll join you shortly."

He nodded his acknowledgement and left her to deal with her boss. There was nothing she could do or say to him now that would get them into trouble. And there was only one place on this ship that he needed to be in at that moment. It was luckily, for the moment at least, nowhere near her.

"Good timing, we are just about few minutes out." the pilot greeted him, then snickered "I have never thought I'll ever say this, but it's good to see you, Vakarian."

"Let's wait and see if you still feel that way when we make that jump."

Joker laughed "Am I going crazy too, or did Shepard's _charming_ personality finally rub off on you, huh?" he shook his head, his hands never stopping to effortlessly prepare the _Normandy_ for her jump "Never seen that one coming."

"It was bound to happen, _eventually_."

"Sure it did." Joker smirked then took a deep breath. They could both see the relay steadily gaining in size as they neared, the outside image not yet hidden by the hull's heat shields "Alright let's do this."

"Approaching Omega 4 relay. Everyone stand by." the pilot spoke over the comm, then turned towards his constant companion, grinning "Let's show these sons of bitches what we are made of, EDI!"

"Reaper IFF activated. Signal acknowledged." the A.I. informed, the blue charges enveloping the _Normandy_ "Drive core electrical charge at critical levels."

"Rerouting!"

And they were gone.

* * *

_A/N _

_Anonymous Review Reply Time!_

_PaygeV, _

_thank you (AND everyone else at that matter) for reading my story, I'm glad you find it enjoyable :) _

_To be honest, I'm looking forward to that myself. My devious little mind sometimes cooks up the strangest of ideas in the strangest of moments suprising me with seemingly no effort at all. But we will see, we will see... *chuckles evily* There is something interesting going to happen... that much is certain : )_


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